


Her

by h311agay



Series: Essays for School [15]
Category: Original Work
Genre: An Apology, Love, Sensitive Material, a hopes to redeem myself, hints of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3211745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h311agay/pseuds/h311agay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm not good with words, hunny. At least not when I'm trying to discuss feelings... I wrote this for you because I love you and I yearn for you to understand how much I do. I'm sorry that I can never seem to say these things to you. It's just... I panic and after all the agony I went through being in such an unhealthy relationship with Miranda, I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I must live with everyday; I wish I could take it all away. I'm not a perfect person and I don't claim to be. I wish I could just change who I am but I can’t. I’ll work hard to fix my problems, but until I’m out of such a harsh environment, I beg that you don’t expect immediate results. I want to believe you when you when you say that I’m beautiful and amazing and needed but… years of being told otherwise have worn on me. I feel so very old and so very dead. I want to talk to you but as I said before, I struggle with words. But let me try. Let me try. Give me time and I will work hard to open up to you. I wish I could express how much I love you, but I’m afraid nothing can do justice. You’re absolutely wonderful and I question why you even stay with me. Me, who can’t express my feelings. Me, who is unable to communicate. Me, who isn't worth it. Me, who doesn't deserve your love.</p>
<p>I will do my best to help you in your time of need, and I feel so selfish when I can’t help you. Moments like that cause me to doubt myself. How can I, someone who can’t even help the person they love, help strangers? How am I to ever achieve anything in life when I am worthless? Who am I to even hate myself? You have had such a hard life. You tell me of your difficulties and I long to take away all the pain you have ever felt. I want to embrace you and cleanse your pained soul. My love for you is so torrid, so strong. I love you with the brilliance of a thousand suns, with the strength of three million oxen. </p>
<p>I apologise for anytime that I may seem to be inattentive or ignoring you. It is not done on purpose. I got so lost in just hearing your voice or simply being within your presence. And other times, I lose myself in all of my self-hatred. And again, that is selfish of me. To put you below my own dark musings. I shouldn't take it out on you and I should work harder to pay attention. I am not a person who can talk things out. I listen. I cannot give advice and I never dare give input. I fear rejection or hurting your feelings far more than I want to communicate. I am selfish and manipulative and everything that I shouldn't be.</p>
<p>I have no one to blame for that, not Miranda, not my mother, not you. I have always been this way. A selfish, foolish brat. I hate that about me and I ache to change who I am. I am sorry and that is all I can say. I am sorry.</p>
<p>But-- and I have already said this-- I love you. With a full and pained heart. Forgive me for any harsh words I have ever said to you or any anguish I have ever caused you. You are my sun and moon and stars and the air that I breathe. I cannot describe my love you for. You are my everything.</p>
<p>Please read this poem and know, just know, that I love you.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Her

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AndreyaWinchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreyaWinchester/gifts).



> I'm not good with words, hunny. At least not when I'm trying to discuss feelings... I wrote this for you because I love you and I yearn for you to understand how much I do. I'm sorry that I can never seem to say these things to you. It's just... I panic and after all the agony I went through being in such an unhealthy relationship with Miranda, I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I must live with everyday; I wish I could take it all away. I'm not a perfect person and I don't claim to be. I wish I could just change who I am but I can’t. I’ll work hard to fix my problems, but until I’m out of such a harsh environment, I beg that you don’t expect immediate results. I want to believe you when you when you say that I’m beautiful and amazing and needed but… years of being told otherwise have worn on me. I feel so very old and so very dead. I want to talk to you but as I said before, I struggle with words. But let me try. Let me try. Give me time and I will work hard to open up to you. I wish I could express how much I love you, but I’m afraid nothing can do justice. You’re absolutely wonderful and I question why you even stay with me. Me, who can’t express my feelings. Me, who is unable to communicate. Me, who isn't worth it. Me, who doesn't deserve your love.
> 
> I will do my best to help you in your time of need, and I feel so selfish when I can’t help you. Moments like that cause me to doubt myself. How can I, someone who can’t even help the person they love, help strangers? How am I to ever achieve anything in life when I am worthless? Who am I to even hate myself? You have had such a hard life. You tell me of your difficulties and I long to take away all the pain you have ever felt. I want to embrace you and cleanse your pained soul. My love for you is so torrid, so strong. I love you with the brilliance of a thousand suns, with the strength of three million oxen. 
> 
> I apologise for anytime that I may seem to be inattentive or ignoring you. It is not done on purpose. I got so lost in just hearing your voice or simply being within your presence. And other times, I lose myself in all of my self-hatred. And again, that is selfish of me. To put you below my own dark musings. I shouldn't take it out on you and I should work harder to pay attention. I am not a person who can talk things out. I listen. I cannot give advice and I never dare give input. I fear rejection or hurting your feelings far more than I want to communicate. I am selfish and manipulative and everything that I shouldn't be.
> 
> I have no one to blame for that, not Miranda, not my mother, not you. I have always been this way. A selfish, foolish brat. I hate that about me and I ache to change who I am. I am sorry and that is all I can say. I am sorry.
> 
> But-- and I have already said this-- I love you. With a full and pained heart. Forgive me for any harsh words I have ever said to you or any anguish I have ever caused you. You are my sun and moon and stars and the air that I breathe. I cannot describe my love you for. You are my everything.
> 
> Please read this poem and know, just know, that I love you.

It is a gaping black hole  
It is a painful red anger  
What a frivolous life  
So empty and meaningless  
A robot piloting an empty body  
Why not give up and give the useless life to one more appreciative?  
More deserving and thankful?  
Blood tears leak from dull eyes  
Staining such unforgiving life with red  
Giving up seems so easy  
But her torrid love--  
Although strained and difficult  
Propels this seemingly demanding life forward  
Embracing and calming  
Punctures the dark  
Sweetens the bitterness  
Making pain seem distant  
Making hate seem false  
If only temporarily  
For one short moment  
It doesn’t hurt  
It doesn’t burn lungs with fire and agony  
It makes worthless feelings reduce and curl up  
It makes one feel whole.


End file.
